Harry Potter and The Psychotic Seventh Years
by Elspeth and Meara
Summary: During their fifth year at Hogwarts, Ron, Harry, and Hermione meet Elspeth Tweedie and Meara Redmond--two seventh years with very unique minds. (I know, not the greatest summary in the world, but give it a chance, please.)[Please R&R]
1. Chapter One

**Harry Potter and The Psychotic Seventh Years**  
  
Disclaimer:  Everything (with the exception of Meara, Elspeth, and everything else we create) belongs to JK Rowling.  
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Chapter One

It was evening at Hogwarts. The sorting hat had just sorted the first years into place only a few short hours before. There had been MANY Hufflepuffs for some reason, and very few Gryffindors and Ravenclaws. Slytherin had gotten a large bunch of new enemies for Harry, Ron and Hermione to deal with, but all in all, a good first day back at school.  

Ron sighed, and leaned back in one of the many chairs in the Gryffindor Common Room. It was almost like being in a second home, with familiar things all around him. Neville, chasing Trevor. Seamus blowing things up, and Harry, and Hermione right beside him. "So, what do you think is going to happen this year?"  
Harry sighed, "I don't know, but I have a feeling that those crazy girls might have a part in it . . ."  
"Yes, they were QUITE insane, weren't they?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, they frighten me," Ron laughed, as he remembered what had happened earlier that evening.

_ *FLASHBACK--A FEW SHORT HOURS EARLIER*_

Ron shoved a large forkful of food into his mouth, and spoke rapidly at his friends. (Like they could understand him, let alone were they listening). The sorting ceremony had just taken place, and Dumbledore had made a special announcement.  
  
"I would like to start by saying that I know a good number of you are apprehensive about being here with Voldemort-"  a few people flinched at his name and Dumbledore smiled sympathetically, "on the rise again, but I can assure Hogwarts is on of the safest places on earth.  There is no need to worry.  Now I have some big, exciting news for everyone.

"Hogwarts has decided to experiment with two new things.  The first is a seventh year exchange program with schools from Ireland, Scotland, Germany, France, Canada, Sweden, Switzerland, and the United States of America.  We were paired with Ireland.  You'll notice that two of our students, Jeremy Stone and Noel Webster, are not present.  They are in Ireland for their seventh year.  You'll also notice two new faces.  I would like to introduce Meara Redmond, born to Ireland, and Elspeth Tweedie, who is Scottish, but attended the same fine school in Ireland as Miss Redmond.  

"They arrived a few days early for a private sorting.  As they haven't been at this school for the entire education, they will only be with the house the sorting hat placed them for classes.  They will be sharing a spare room and be allowed to sit at whatever table they please.  Miss Redmond was placed in Gryffindor," loud cheers rang out from the Gryffindor table, as if she were a first year student being sorted into their house.  "And Miss Tweedie was placed in Hufflepuff."

There had been a few scattered cheers, and hoots for the two exchange students.  Elspeth grinned and waved, as if she were a princess in a slow-moving parade.  Meara just shook her head, and rolled her eyes at the other. 

Pleased with the rest of Hogwarts' reaction to the exchange students, Dumbledore went on.  "Now as for the second experiment we'll be trying…Instead of having two classes paired for each class, Gryffindor and Slytherin in potions, for example, this year will be different.  Everyone in each house will be separated into four groups—A, B, C, and D.  The A groups for each house will have all their classes together, same for B, C, and D groups.  So, for example, if you're in Hufflepuff, you'll have a class with Gryffindors, Slytherins, and Ravenclaws.  The first years are being placed in their groups at this very moment."  He gave the crowd a long stare, looking for blank expressions.  "Well then, let's eat!"

The two girls wandered around, looking for places to sit.  Most of the seats were taken up with all of the new first years—in fact, there wasn't a single spot left at the Hufflepuff table.  They searched desperately for seats.  Finally, Meara eyed a spot at the Gryffindor table.

"Hallo, can we sit here?" The tall one, Elspeth, asked.  She wore black robes, like every one else, but what stood out was her bright, auburn hair.  Not as fiery as the Weasley's, but bright, just the same.    
  
"Yeah, we're only quasi-insane," The shorter one added. She, too wore black robes, but had dark, almost black hair. The two seemed to be friends, but looked like complete opposites.

"We won't bite, well, as long as I take my medication, I won't," Elspeth said with a smile.

"You DID remember your medication, didn't you?" Meara prodded her friend with her elbow. "Didn't you?"

A blank expression came over Elspeth's face. "Blimey, I think I did . . ." She began checking her pockets, and pulled out a white medicine bottle, and placed it on the table, grinning triumphantly. "See, I remembered 'em!"

Meara shook her head, "Yes, but did you TAKE them?" 

Elspeth remained quiet for a while, thinking. "Umm, I think I did . . ." Meara took from the bottle, a few large, purple and pink pills, and conjured a glass of water from nowhere. "Take them. NOW," she demanded.

  
Elspeth looked speechless for a moment. "But . . . But, what if I already took 'em, and I die of an overdose, what then?"  
  
Her companion glared at her, "What if you didn't take it, you go psycho and scare these people more than we already have, thus slowly alienating us from the rest of the student body more than we're going to be anyway, and I have to kill you--a slow, painful death?"

"Okay, I'll take it. But if I die of an OVERdose . . ."

"Then I'll make sure they bury you in a place where you won't frighten the rest of the spirits."

Elspeth sighed, "Alright . . ." She swallowed, the pills as her friend had commanded her to, and then the goofy grin was back on her face. Meara flung her arms high in the air, and gave out a loud 'S-C-O-R-E!' to the astonishment of the ENTIRE Hogwarts student body. Elspeth and Meara looked around, everyone staring straight back at them. Dumbledore chuckled to himself, and Snape scowled. Elspeth made a few 'raspberries' at a few gawking students, and soon everyone was eating again.

"If we let you sit with us, you have to promise to take some of those, too," Harry said to Meara, indicating the Pill bottle.

Ron gawked at them, with wide eyes, "Yeah, you frighten me," Elspeth snorted, and Meara let out a muffled "HAH!"  
  
"THEY frighten you?" Hermione asked. "Excuse me. Consider the things you two have gotten us into. These two should be NO challenge," She smiled. They seemed interesting enough; Hermione saw no reason NOT to let them sit with her and her friends. 

"Can we sit down now?" Elspeth asked.  
  
Meara elbowed her friend. "Be POLITE, Elspeth!"

Elspeth cleared her throat, "Ahem, may we PLEASE sit down now?"

"NOPE!" Ron said, turning back to his food. 

Elspeth Lunged at Ron, "Why you, little . . . Ooooh! Pumpkin Pasties!" Elspeth sat down, and daintily ate a few Pumpkin pasties, leaving Ron wide-eyed, as Meara took her place next to Hermione.   
  
"Does she HAVE to sit next to ME?" Ron asked, looking at Elspeth.  Elspeth's mature response was to stick her tongue, covered in pumpkin pastry crumbs, out at him.  He wrinkled his nose in disgust, but Hermione smirked.  Ron Weasley had finally met his match.

After they're conversation about medicine, Meara and Elspeth were relatively sane.  That is they were sane until Meara, who had been mysteriously silent for nearly ten minutes, suddenly broke into loud song, "Demons come from every side—IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT.   Pulling me on a downward slide—IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT.  Getting hot the deeper I go—IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT.  In the darkness down below—IN THE DARKNESS IS THE LIGHT!  I live my life in one straight line—the future ahead, and the past behind.  Don't wanna go back to yesterday, but I don't know how long I can run this way!"

"Um.  Meara?" Hermione whispered, tugging at her new acquaintance's arm.  "The entire tables, not to mention several of the teachers, are looking at you."  The only indication that she had heard was her shrug.

"In the darkness is the light.  Surrender will win the fight.  This girl's walked on fire and ice, but I come out on the other side of paradise!  Oh, yeah, paradise.  PARADISE!!!"  She grinned at everyone staring at her.  "Sorry, one of those random things, you know how it is."

Elspeth looked up from her tenth pumpkin pastry, not the least bit surprised with her friend's behavior.  "You skipped most of the song."

Meara shrugged.  "So?"

"Just thought I'd point that out."

"You're going to get at stomach ache from eating so many of those."

"So?"

"Just thought I'd point that out."

Hermione and Ron, who seemed to have warmed up to them, grinned while Harry let out a low whistle.

_*END FLASHBACK—CURRENT TIME*_

Ron shook his head. "Yeah, weird girls," Just then, the two (speak of the devil) entered the common room with Fred and George. 

"Well, I still don't get it," George sighed.   
  
"What?" The two girls chorused.   
  
"The whole 'Penguin's-cannot-fly-thing'," Fred said, flapping his arms like wings.   
  
"Oh, 'Cars have wheels, therefore; penguins cannot fly?'" Elspeth shook her head. "I thought that I JUST explained this to you." She looked at the two boys, whom were shaking their heads.   
  
Meara sighed, "Cars roll, so rolling is taken, thus penguins cannot roll. BUT in YOUR case, cars can also fly, sooooo,"

Elspeth struck a noble pose, her finger high in the air, "PENGUINS CANNOT FLY!"

"Ooh, I get it!" Fred lied.

George stalked behind them, hands in his pockets, as they walked up the stairs to their dormitories. "Whats-a penguin, anyway?"

Meara rolled her eyes at the retreating wizards, and then turned to Harry, Hermione, and Ron.  She looked from them to Elspeth, and back to them, grinning.  "Hello!"

Hermione smiled and waved at them.  "Hi, there.  What are you two up to?" she asked.

"Torturing innocent boys.  Yourself?"

"Studying."

"Studying?" Meara asked.  "We haven't even had classes yet."

"Welcome to Hermione World," Ron said.  "All study, all the time."

Elspeth faked a dramatic shudder of fear.  "We'll have to change that by the end of this term."

Harry and Ron laughed.  "Doubt it.  We haven't been able to change her the five years we've known her.  There's no way you two can in one term."

Meara shook her head.  "Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Simple minded boys."

"Why did Fred and George let you two in the common room, anyway?" Ron asked.

"Because technically, I'm a Gryffindor," Meara responded.

"Well, she's not," he pointed to Elspeth.  "She's technically a Hufflepuff, but I suppose now she knows the password and we'll have to have the Prefects change it."

"No, actually, I don't know the password!" Elspeth said matter-of-factly.  "They put a charm over me so I couldn't hear.  I think George may have said something about my butt before they took it off, but I can't get him to confess to it or Meara or Fred to rat him out."

"But if it makes you feel any better, Elspeth doesn't know the charm I used, nor how to say it properly, so she won't be able to keep my from hearing the password when we visit the Hufflepuff common room later on.  I'll share it with one of you three…whoever deserves it."  She grinned wickedly.  "But my guess is it probably won't be you," she point to Ron, "or you," she pointed to Harry.

"Come on, Meara, let's go back to our room and work on THE PLANS!" 

"Okay!"

Harry turned to Ron and mouthed "The plans?" as the two seventh years ran for the portrait.


	2. Default Chapter

Chapter Two:

The next morning, as Harry, and the gang, made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast, they heard voices raised in a loud conversation. 

  
"I wonder who's fighting now. . . ." Harry wondered aloud, as he pushed open the doors to find Meara and Elspeth sitting at the Gryffindor table in the same spots as last night. "I guess they're sitting with us again," Harry sighed. 

  
Elspeth climbed on top of the table, and in a low, raspy voice, said, "LUKE, I am your Father," there were a few giggles from muggle-raised wizards, and confused looks from Pure-bloods. Meara jumped up on the table, and held her right arm as if it had been cut off. 

  
"No. NO! That's not true! That's impossible!"

  
"Search your feelings. You know it to be true!"

  
"Nooooooo!"  There were loud cheers, again from muggle-raised students. 

Hermione ran to meet them as they were taking their bows. "That was BRILLIANT you guys!" she Cheered. 

"Yeah, Aces." Harry sighed.

"But what does it all mean?" Ron asked.

"I'll explain to yeh later," Elspeth said with a wink.

"We've also been told that our 'Planet of the Apes' is smashing," Meara said, jumping down from the table. "Get your paws off me you DAMN, DIRTY APE!" Hermione chuckled. Harry didn't get it, but he found it rather amusing.

They sat in a about the same order as the night before. Meara next to Hermione and Harry on one side, Elspeth next to Ron on the other side. 

"Does she HAVE to sit next to ME. . .AGAIN?" Ron groaned as Elspeth shoveled forkful, after forkful of scrambled egg into her mouth. She looked up at him, and grinned, her mouth full of chewed up egg bits. 

"Well, that killed my appetite," Ron exclaimed, throwing his napkin down on his plate. 

"Mine, too," Harry agreed.

"Not mine, I'm STARVING!" Meara said, reaching for the cinnamon buns. 

Elspeth downed her goblet of milk, and grinned goofily at the table. 

"Ahhh! Now I am ready to face the day!" She leaned back, hands on her head, her feet up on the table. She knew it was bad table manners, and apologized to Ron, "Sorry, luv. . . next time, I'll wear clean shoes," she grinned at him, and he only sighed, shoving food around his plate with a fork.

Meara sighed as well, "What class do we have first?" She asked Elspeth, as she also took a drink of her milk. 

"Are we in the same group, even?" She asked. 

Meara nodded. "I'm pretty sure of it, but I didn't bring my schedule."

"Well," Hermione ran her finger down her schedule, until she found their first class. "Harry, Ron, and I have Transfiguration first."

"Oh, fun," Ron sighed. 

"You don't like any of the classes," Harry joked. 

"Yeah, I do," Ron said. 

"And that would be?" Hermione asked, a little skeptical. 

Ron searched his brain. "I lied, I don't like any of the classes," He grinned, not much unlike Elspeth, who he seemed to be getting used to having around, as well as Meara.

"Don't you two get embarrassed, pulling stunts like that in front of the WHOLE student body?" Harry asked, tearing his toast into small pieces, for no particular reason. 

"Em. . . ber. . . ass . . . ment?" Elspeth asked, sitting up. "What's that?"

"Yeah," Meara added. "Sounds diiirrrrrtttyyyyy."

Harry laughed, "Really, you don't feel stupid doing that?"

Meara giggled. "Well, Elspeth is already stupid, so THAT'S not a problem." 

Elspeth grinned. "C'mon, I'm not STUPID. Clumsy, and weird, but not stupid."

Meara laughed for a bit, then stopped. "Did you take your pills today?" 

Elspeth sighed. "No."

"Do it!"

Elspeth pulled the pills from her pocket again, and took a couple of them. 

"Good girl!" 

Elspeth grinned, "GREAT! Now do I get a biscuit?" 

"What are in those, anyway?" Hermione asked, curious. 

"Oh, I don't know. I dun even know why I hafta take 'em," Elspeth Shrugged. 

Hermione read the bottle, "Hey, there's an indication on here: 'Your dog will never bite again. Guaranteed . . . ?"

Hermione looked up at Elspeth, and stifled a laugh.

"It's not funny. It's a REAL problem." Elspeth said, holding her hand out, to retrieve the pills from a giggling Hermione.

"So, tell us about your families, and such," Harry said trying to change the subject.

"My mother is a pureblood witch.  She's from a family that never mixed with half-bloods or Muggle born witches and wizards until she got married.  It's not as if they're prejudice like some families, they just hadn't before.  She actually went to Hogwarts her first 3 years of school, but then her mother insisted that she be brought home to be taught in Ireland.  My father's is a Muggle born wizard, which is why I know so much about the Muggle world, and Muggle entertainment, that sort of thing.  He's from one of those families that are surprisingly acceptant of magic and such.  They still loved and respected him as a wizard, and accepted my mom and her family.  The only thing they insisted on was that he didn't lose his faith, and that if he married and witch and they had children, the children would be taught about God.  It turned out to be a pretty good deal.  Aside from being a pureblood witch, my mother is also pure Irish and doesn't have a trace of any other decent in her.  The same with my father.  Unlike Elspeth, I'm an only child.  But my mother and father both come from large families.  My dad was in the middle of 5, my mother the second youngest of eleven.  I have so many cousins and second cousins that I don't _need siblings.  My owl's name is Hypnos, after the Greek god of dreams.  I would have named him Hermes, but that's too popular."  She grinned at them.  "Oh, and I have a pet leprechaun!"_

"Well, that's a whole lot more interesting than MY family," Ron joked, glancing at his brothers sitting on the table's end.

Hermione turned to Elspeth. "Do we even WANT to know about your family?" She giggled.

"Well, I don't know." Elspeth grinned. "Do you find disco queens and Lawyers just 'fascinating'?" Elspeth asked in a droning, monotone voice.

"No, but go ahead," Harry urged. He found these two girls a bit interesting, although his life was probably MUCH more exciting.

"Well, Me Dad's a Wizard, his name is Mr. Fluffypants. Me mother is a muggle named Delphina, maiden name Daulphine. My Brother knits socks for a living, he likes to wear pink party dresses, and my sis collects mold. My dog can fly, like a wombat, and Nessy lives in me bathtub."

There was a long silence. 

"Are you sure you took your medication?" Ron asked.

"I was JOKING!" Elspeth grinned. She looked at her watch, then back to the group, who still looked a bit awe-struck, but was beginning to see the humor in her speech.

"Well, it's been fun, but I have things I must attend to before classes start," Elspeth said getting up. 

"Where are you going?" Ron asked. 

Elspeth snorted. "Wouldn't YOU like to know?" and she walked away. 

Meara quickly drank the rest of her milk, and got up as well. 

"Where are YOU going?" Harry asked looking up at her. 

"Ha! Wouldn't you like to know?" And she also sauntered off. 

Hermione looked back and forth between the two boys, and the deporting girls, wiped her mouth with her napkin, and stood up. 

"WHERE are you going?" Ron and Harry asked in unison. 

"Wouldn't you like to know?" And she jogged after the exchange students. 

Harry shook his head. "Girls."

When lunch rolled around, Ron, Hermione, and Harry weren't the least bit surprised to find Elspeth and Meara at the Gryffindor table once again.  They were surprised, however, that standing between the two, talking to Meara, was Draco Malfoy.  "What is that stupid git doing over there?" Ron exclaimed with a sour expression.

The three walked to the Gryffindor table, ready for yet another verbal battle with the Malfoy.  Neither of them doubted Elspeth and Meara's ability to look out from themselves, but did doubt that either of the two knew who they were dealing with.  They were met with another shock when they joined Meara, Elspeth, and Draco.  "Yeah, Mum won't stop going on about it.  She seems to think she can control what I do with my life.  It'll be a nasty surprise for her when I go into journalism and not Ireland's Ministry of Magic."

"Well…" Draco stopped speaking when he realized who had joined them.  "Don't say anything Wonder Boy…Weasel…Mudblood. I'm leaving."

"Dra-" Meara began, but he shook his head.  

"Tell your mother I said 'hello' and that I'll owl my father immediately about the benefit."

He turned and walked away.  "Benefit?" Hermione asked.

Meara blushed.  "For a club my parents belong to.  It's…well, though my dad isn't a pureblood, he's still a wizard, and the club let him in.  I suppose because my mom comes from such an old wizarding family, they suppose if purebloods such as her associate with him, he's better than some others."  She looked ashamed of what she was saying, and Hermione could see that she didn't share the same opinions as her parents. "Anyway, my family has been friends with the Malfoys for a few generations."

"You're friends with Malfoys!" Ron asked incredulously.  "But they're all such-"

Meara took a deep breath.  "Look, I'm doing the best I can to fit in here.  Things are much different outside Hogwarts walls.  Now, though I don't know of any specific names of any of those in the same…inner circle as Lucius Malfoy, I do know **who he is.  You see, the club is sort of like a cover-up for…some of them."  She frowned.  The others crowded closer so she wouldn't have to speak so loudly. "The only people who know which of us are…like Lucius…and which of us aren't are those who are like him.  Draco may be 2 years younger than me, but we've been friends for as long as I can remember."**

"But he's-" Harry began.

"Listen, Harry.  I know you think you know Draco.  You really don't.  I'm sure he can be incredibly snide, rude, and self-centered.  I know he goes on and on and on and on…and on about 'mudbloods' and 'death eaters' and Muggles, but he's not really like that.  He's got his father convinced he is--which is important."  To stress her point, she added, "It's sort of how you are, Harry.  Most times you're forced to play the part of the hero, of some big star.  But that isn't really you, is it?  Inside, I mean?"

Harry shook his head.  "No."

"Good.  Now that we're understood, we can move on.  But please, for the love of God, don't act any differently toward him than you have been.  You'll…er…need him in later days.  If he gets wind that you have any idea he's not who he appears to be, the results may be disastrous.  Just…keep on with your rivalry, all 3 of you.  I couldn't stand to lose a friend or-" she was cut off by Elspeth.

"Yeah, Draco's a good friend to her, but let's not forget that she's likes his cud-" Before Elspeth could finish the word, she had been tackled to the floor.  Laughter from the Gryffindor table filled the Great Hall.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione grinned at the two, struggling to get up and keep the other on the ground at the same time.  

When they finally got up, they sat down in their usual spots with Hermione, Harry, and Ron, and it was as if nothing had happened.  Both girls were relieved that Draco wasn't going to be an issue between all of them.  Elspeth, who had been frighteningly quiet for being Elspeth during the whole Draco ordeal, also belonged to that club and was also friends with him, but didn't know him quite as well as Meara did.  In fact, the only reason she knew everything that Harry and the others had just been told was because of Meara.

"Hey, I have a question," Meara said a few minutes later.  She pointed to the High Table.  "What does that man teach?"

"You mean Snape?" Ron said in disgust.  "He teaches potions."

Elspeth and Meara glanced at each other, then both dove for their schedules.  "We have potions next, Elspeth!"  Meara exclaimed joyfully.

"What group are you in?"  

"C!" They said in unison.

"So are Fred and George."  

"Yeah," Meara replied, grinning.  "Hm.  Potions with Professor Snape and the Weasley twins.  Sounds heavenly.  Pinch me, I'm afraid I'm dream-OW!"  She grabbed her arm where Elspeth had just pinched her.  "That hurt!"  Elspeth just smiled at her.

"You said, that you needed a Pinch, and I'm here to help!"

Meara glared at her, but was soon over it. 

Harry searched his mind for a subject changer. "You never did tell us about your family, Elspeth . . ."

"You REALLY want to know?"

"Yes!" Hermione said. This could be interesting.

"Well like I said before, my dad is a Wizard, and me mum's a muggle. I have 4 other brothers and sisters, well 1 sister, and three brothers. I'm the Middle child. . . That explains the way I act," She grinned. "Middle Child Syndrome and all. I've got a dog, name's Killer, he's afraid of his own shadow." She started laughing uncontrollably, "One time my little brother Toby put his pet Piranha in the Bathtub. Ha! My oldest brother nearly lost his chance at havin' kids!" She pounded the table with her fist, and laughed until tears came out of her eyes. Ron stared in awe at her. It wasn't that funny. Quite morbid actually. "Every once in a while we take a trip to see my Mum's mum. Hence all of my Muggle knowledge," She leaned over the table. "No matter what ANYONE says . . . Mickey Mouse is PURE EVIL." She looked warily around, and then resumed her story. "I am also the PROUD 'owner' of a few Phobias . . ." She Grinned. "More than Mr. Weasley can admit to, even." 

Ron turned to her quickly. "C'mon, I'm not THAT much of a scaredey-cat."

"Oh, YES you ARE!" Hermione chimed. Ron rolled his eyes.

"Well, we'll see," Meara grinned, evilly. "Go on, Elspeth, Tell them your Phobias."

Elspeth took a deep breath. "Well, there's Phonophobia; fear of Voices, Alektorophobia; Fear of Chickens, Fear of Nudity, Fear of Clothing, Fear of Dirt, Fear of Bathing, Motorphobia, Hodophobia, Stasiphobia, Siderodromophobia, Crystallophobia, Arachibutyrophobia, Lutraphobia, that's fear of Otters, Pluviophobia . . . That's not all of them, but I don't want to bore you . . . Oh yeah, one more. Phobophobia."

Everyone looked dumbfounded. "Well, what's that last one?" Ron asked, not really wanting to know. 

"Oh!" Elspeth grinned. "Fear of Phobias."

Ron shook his head. "I know that even I don't have THAT many phobias . . ."  
  
"Oh, but you do have phobias . ." Meara interjected. "I can tell you have Arachnaphobia, Herpetophobia, and Pteronophobia."

"I know the first one, but what are the other two?" Ron asked more than slightly confused. 

"Snakes, or reptiles, and . ." Elspeth hesitated, then pulled a feather from her robes. "TICKLE, TICKLE!" She chased him with it. 

"AHHH!!" Ron screamed. "HELP! SHE'S GOING TO TICKLE ME!"

"What did I tell ya?" Meara said to her remaining comrades. "Pteronophobia."

THAT DAY IN POTIONS CLASS . . . 

While delivering a bowl of Batwings to another table, Elspeth made a detour and sat down next to George. 

"Hello," George said.

"Hallo, George," She leaned in closer and whispered. "I gotta ask you something."

"Yeah?" He asked putting his quill back in the ink well. 

"What did you say about my butt the other day? When that charm was on me . . ."

"Oh!" George laughed. "I thought you were going to ask me a SERIOUS question!"

Elspeth sighed. "Just tell me, you hippopotamus's backside!" She punched him, playfully.

George rubbed the spot where he had been hit, and shot back, "That's EXACTLY what I said! Your bum looks like a hippopotamus!"

Tears filled her eyes (not real ones of course).

"Oh, c'mon then! I were only jokin'! I love your bum! Well . . . I don't love it, I think its nice . . .I MEAN Its pretty! I mean . . .ugh!" Elspeth hid a loud guffaw as Snape approached them. 

"What exactly are you two doing?"

"Well, we were uh . . . Discussing the properties of . . . Uhhh . . . . I was uh . . ." Words failed him. The one time that he COULDN'T make an excuse was the one time he needed one. 

"GEORGE WEASLEY LIKES MY BUM!" Elspeth shouted before she knew what she was doing. Snape glared at the distraught Weasley twin. 'Explain!' the glare said. 

He hung his head. "Yes, I like her . . .bum."

"Well, then. You two can discuss Miss Tweedie's bum in Detention. Ten points from both of your houses, 20 each for pure ignorance, and 15 from Hufflepuff, because I hate saying Miss Tweedie's name." He turned, and stalked over to his desk to deduct the two's points. 

When the bell rang, signaling the end of class, the angry professor walked silently to Elspeth's desk, and waited for her to look up.  When she finally did, she jumped, startled.  "You," he sneered, looking at George, "And you," he pointed to Elspeth, "will remain here while I give you further instructions about your detentions."  He shot Meara, sitting between next to Elspeth and behind George an odd look, and she ceased the winking she had been doing.  "The rest of you may go." 

Elspeth was obviously furious at the potions professor, and was giving him a death stare that satisfied him a great deal.  He thoroughly enjoyed getting under his students' skin.  Meara, not wanting her friend to say or do anything she undoubtedly would regret, quickly said, so that everyone still in the room (which was most of the class) could hear, "Its okay, Elspeth.  He's a bit unhinged, if you know what I mean.  And who could blame him?  It must be awfully being Linonophobic, Caligynephobic, _and  Ithyphallophobic!"  _

Elspeth stifled her laughter as Meara and Fred darted from the room.

At dinner that night, Meara, Fred, George, and Elspeth told Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville the story (and only exaggerated a few things).  By the time they were finished, Ron, Hermione, and Harry were doubled over with laughter, while Neville sat wide-eyed.  "You…actually said that to Snape?"  he stuttered.  "When he figures out what all of those mean, he'll tear you apart!"

Everyone look at Neville, surprised he knew what all three meant.  "Oh, don't worry, Neville.  Snape's not as baaaaddd as he acts!" Elspeth assured him.

"Hey Meara…what are the phobias you accused him of having?"  Harry asked.

"Well Linoophobia is fear of string, Caligynephobia is fear of beautiful women," Elspeth explained.

"And what about Ithyphallophobia?" Ron inquired.

Meara and Elspeth looked at one another.  "If we told you that information, we'd have to kill you."  Ron stared at them, blinking.  Meara sighed loudly.  "Fine.   You win."  She leaned over and whispered it in his ear, while Elspeth did the same with Harry, and Neville told Hermione."

At the same time, three identical, and very loud, "Ew's!" rang out from the Gryffindor table.  Then the group burst into laughter.  It was, after all, great to believe that Professor Snape was Ithyphallophobic.

Several hours later, Severus Snape settled into his private corridors, sighing with exasperation.  It had been a long day.  Suddenly, he stood up, and walked to the bookshelf in his room.  He pulled a dictionary down, and began to look up the three phobias that Meara had mentioned.

Five minutes later, he was a very angry Slytherin.


End file.
